Stress Much?

I started off the day thinking positive. I have this new smart phone that lets me surf the web at only Geek Squad’s knows best mega bites per second or whatever. I Googled “how to stay positive at work during stressful times” and came across a magnificent article written by Sarita Maybin titled ‘How to Stay Positive in a Negative Workplace’. After reading it I felt like nothing or no one could tear my “positiveness” down, I felt like I could walk into my new job’s office and smile through anything. Truly, I did.

Perhaps I should have started by telling you my situation though…

I have been semi-workless for about a year. I’ve had a couple of temporary jobs in the past 8months but nothing permanent due to the U.S.’s economic state. Like almost everyone in the country (I like to assume), I need a job! I have bills; mortgage, insurance, car payment and so on. Although much of what I’m going through is my fault alone, I feel responsible for bringing my spouse down with me during my terrible state of unemployment. She is extremely patient but her patience is running out (and I don’t blame her). Not only have I tried looking for jobs online, but I have also looked in the newspaper and such. This is where my issues begin. Or do they?

I started a new job on Monday; thanks to my mother and the newspaper. At first, I could automatically tell that this particular employer didn’t run its system compared to my previous experiences (job-wise). It was extremely confusing, especially since no one took the initiative to instruct/train me properly. They just stuck me in a corner (where I looked relatively idiotic for not really doing much) and had me filing. ALL DAY!!! No one informed me of lunches; times, regulations, lunchroom, key card etc.

Perhaps I’m the moron in this situation for not insisting on taking a lunch but according to one of my new co-workers “they are too busy to properly take lunches or breaks” so they eat standing and rushing. I almost ran to my purse and pulled out my sandwich then chomped it down before returning to my filing (which isn’t in my assigned department at the moment). I hate standing around, especially when new, not doing anything at all irks me. That is exactly what they had me doing today…NOTHING. I hated it. The boss pompously walks in and out and about, witnessing his new employee just standing there. When I asked my trainer “What else can I help you with, or what else should I do now?” he responded, “When there is something, I will tell you.” Gee thanks.

After about an hour of standing around I was directed by the manager to make some copies. But instead of him letting me do them, he stood by me the entire time and HE did them. Then he asked me to put them on his desk. I have never even seen the back office space, no one bothered to show me and in order to enter you need a key pass; which I do not have. He didn’t care about that though, he nearly choked me because I didn’t know what to him was the most obvious and important, his desk area.

Another thing, no one (supervisor, manager) gave me my hours/schedule. In all the jobs I’ve had, full-time is defined as 7 ½ hours, 8 hours or sometimes 9, 12. Whatever, my point is that at the time of hire this is all explained. I come into the office at 7:30am not really knowing when lunch is, or when I will be getting off. When I asked the manager he nearly barked “What? Don’t you work full-time? Isn’t this what you want? If you work full-time, don’t ask me that question!”

Regrettably, I am extremely shy. I didn’t know what to respond. I just assured him I did want full-time hours but I still wanted to know what time I would be getting off. He answered, “6:00p.m.”

By this time my hands were shaking due to hunger and I asked the supervisor by when I could take my lunch and he answered 2pm. I un-shyly responded that I wasn’t being asked to anything, therefore I wasn’t busy and that I was terribly hungry. He sent me off.

Will I ever find the correct job for me? Not the perfect one, in my mind nothing is perfect. But just a job where I can go to work and come home a sane woman? That is all I ask. Don’t treat me disrespectfully, don’t underestimate me, train me well and I am yours. I won’t be late, I won’t call off and I will work holidays and weekends. None of that bothers me. But I cannot stand people being rude to me for no reason at all. Especially if I have not done anything to purposely annoy you.

Before I took my lunch, I admitted to one of my new and very kind co-workers that I would very possibly not accept the job for full-term. She never even asked why, she merely responded that I wasn’t the only one. Apparently two other girls had started the week before and were finishing their hours to not return. She wasn’t shocked or bewildered by my decision/comment.

Now what I am most ashamed to report is my irresponsibility to this company. I went to lunch, and did not return. I drove home crying and shaking. When I got in my home, sweet, home, I ran to the kitchen and warmed me up some lunch.

I know I can quite possibly be exaggerating but I was still a bit vague on the details. I wish life, or better yet the economic parts of life were easier. I wish it were easier to feed oneself and their families. I wish it were easier to pay for your home. But life is a bitch (pardon my French) or better yet, society has made life feel as if it were a bitch. I love my life, but I have to work to live in it. I don’t want to keep making my beloved spouse suffer the consequences of having to worry about all our economic issues because I cannot find the right job for me. I want to help pay for our necessities and then have enough for some well-deserved pleasures. I just don’t want to lose my sanity on the way. I want a job that won’t turn my insides into rock, or give my ticker a heart attack.

I want to work to live, not live to work.